All – I am going in circles with this blog, so i have decided to instate a guest blogger series. Here is the first of what i hope will be many. While I will never reveal the source of these writings, I will let you know that if you knew this person, you would laugh your fuckin ass off. Cheers and good reading!
GBJ
***Confessions From a Former Party Girl***
“Seriously, what the fuck happened to me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life!!! I have a hot, well-educated, athletic stud of a husband and we made the cutest little love child, which precipitated a gorgeous, romantic, quickie wedding in The Bahamas last year. Life is so good, and I never thought I would enjoy this lifestyle so much. What lifestyle, you ask? That of a suburban mom. Holy shit, yep I said it, I’m a suburban mom.
I know that you cool single people out there feel sorry for us suburban bitches, out there in our SUVs (don’t have one yet, but I do have my eye on a hybrid Tahoe, God help me!), lugging around our strollers/ kids’ soccer gear/ massive amounts of groceries and dealing with baby meltdowns in the produce department, but believe me, some of us never thought we’d ever be in this position. We thought we’d be cool and babyless and carefree forever… But wham! We met lovers in bars, fell in love, got married, got knocked up (maybe not in that exact order) and joined the masses in the burbs.
I was once one of you – footloose and fancy free – and now I’m one of THEM. And you know what? Add a night out here and there, a good massage from time to time, and a decent amount of cocktails (preferably daily) and it’s a damn good lifestyle!! Aside from the unlimited amount of love and cuddles in the house, there’s the ‘parent with child’ parking spots at stores, sweet shopping close by, beautiful houses with lots of space inside and out, and some really badass suburban house parties (thrown by parents with sleeping kids upstairs). It’s pretty cool!!
And shit, I couldn’t have kept up with the single life too much longer anyway! My hearing is screwed from dancing way too much to super loud house music in shady dance clubs, I spent way too much money on booze and recreational activities, I lost years and years of sleep (resulting in some pesky wrinkles), and I think I may have a hole in my nasal cavity from way too much illegal activity at the aforementioned clubs. Not to mention all the hangovers, embarrassing stories of stupid stuff I’ve pulled, a few people I pissed off (oh shoot, that guy was MARRIED?), and all the times that rogue right boob bounced out of my hoochie top (ooops), and so much more I’m still trying to repress. I mean, thank God hubby and baby came along and saved the world from my single madness!
When I was 19, I felt compelled to get a tattoo of a red heart on my tailbone. People asked me what it meant, and I couldn’t really explain it… But now that I met the man of my dreams and we started our family, I know exactly what it means – it was for them. I just didn’t know that this would ever exist for me. It’s truly shocking for a girl that could party Lindsay Lohan under the table, but amazing!
Anyway, the next time you see a mom in the grocery store and think you’ve got her number, keep my story in mind and consider… There might be a badass party girl hiding behind those Bermuda shorts and ballet flats!!! Give her some props.”